The Ninth Commandment

(Thou Shalt Not Bear falsw Witness)

I’ve just served (if I do say so myself) a pretty great meal. I look at my husband in anticipation of a round of applause….

Silence. Jaw. Jaw.

Actually, I didn’t just cook it, I marinated the hell out of that chicken, then sautéed, added chopped…

Jaw Jaw.

I prod: “So, are you enjoying the meal?”

He glances up momentarily. “It’s great. All your meals are great.”

Jaw Jaw

Pointedly: “I was asking about this one.” (Oh oh, I’m starting to sound like the Jewish mother who buys her son two ties and when he wears one the next day, asks: “Nu, you didn’t like the other one?”)

“No, It’s delicious.”

“It’s just you didn’t say….”

“Well, you didn’t mention that I had my hair cut today.”

Errrr. “Oh yeah! Wow! The greatest haircut! I guess I was just over-awed.”

His withering look speaks: ‘Dial it back.’

In fact the chicken was only so so. I never made it again, It was too much work for the result. And the haircut? Well, it really was the same as always.

But you just gotta lie. It oils the wheels. You know the patter: “You haven’t changed a bit. Are you kidding, you haven’t gained a pound. You really smashed it in that movie!”

And those lies are just the lies we tell each other. There’s a multitude of lies we tell ourselves.

“I wouldn’t go back to my twenties for all the tea in China.”

Huh? Do they not own a mirror. Not to even mention that use of cliches is a dead giveaway of a lie to follow.

“You know, since I retired I am just so busy….” What with doctor’s appointments? Funerals?

“Age is just a number.” So is a billion.

“No, Doctor, I only drink occasionally.” That depends on how you define occasion. At the drop of a hat? Sorry about that cliché. But that lie really deserves nothing better.

“Actually, I only watch the news.” That is as I dive for the remote on my way to Married at First Sight or a rerun of Midsommer Murders.

We reassure ourselves that the truth is,,,well…fluid. We tell these lies knowing full well we are only really telling them to ourselves. We may be too canny to ask: “does my ass look big in this dress?” However we do know how to change the weight on a scale with a well applied lean. And while we’re on that scale it’s totally fair to subtract an extra two pounds because we’re wearing underpants. (In truth, I cut out the middleman by not owning a scale at all.) Also it is completely legitimate to keep that size six skirt from ten years ago because after our temporary bloat goes down it will undoubtedly fit perfectly.

Even George Washington (the ‘I cannot tell a lie. I chopped down the cherry tree,’ George) faked documents to fool the enemy and organised the first spy network called the Culper Spy Ring. Honest Abe? Except maybe when he needed strategic misinformation especially with the press.

I’ve lost a lot of friends to the Grim Reaper recently. Which got me thinking about another group of lies. Like the word I just used, lost. What? They didn’t have Google maps? Or he just passed. Passed what? Passed wind? Or Departed. On vacation? It’s a lie that doesn’t even make the mourner feel better. Just you.

Sure the truth may be fluid. But as we have learned all too painfully recently, it can, of course, go too far. It can lead people to delusions like: ‘Don’t you know who I am?’ Or bullet proof, thermal night vision equipped Rezvani Tank cars.

VS Naipaul famously wrote: ‘The only lies for which we are truly punished are those we tell ourselves.’

But I think he got that wrong. I think these lies are probably on the whole good and when we stop believing in them we really get in trouble. Lets face it, the truth can be a real bummer. Looking in the mirror in the cold light of morning could lead to the thought, why bother getting out of bed? Just cry uncle, throw in the towel.

Thank goodness for lies. They get us through life..

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