The Rules

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When Moses came down from Sinai he brought with him a set of rules. And while over the years there have been some modifications, for example thou can wear white after Labor Day, or brown shoes with black, they’ve pretty much stayed the same. Even now you can’t walk down 5th Avenue and shoot someone…tempting though it may be. Because still after all these years, there are agreed standards, guard rails, that can guide us through life.

I was thinking about that just the other day as I was standing, fuming, at the door in my overcoat. (Yes, I know it was August, but we live  in London). And of course suddenly my husband remembered a nasty hangnail that needed clipping or a light bulb he’d been meaning to change.

Where are the rules? I thought, bitterly. So, I did some digging around and it turns out there are thousands of pages of rules for relationships. But they all pretty much boil down to:

The TOP FIVE RULES FOR RELATIONSHIPS.

1.   It isn’t always important to be right.

Really? What about that wonderful warm feeling when “I told you so” is just burning on your lips. Can there be four more satisfying words in the English language? Even unsaid there is  the thrill of confirmed rightness. When the going gets rough, it just begs for someone nearby to blame. Even the cat.

It reminds me of the New Yorker cartoon. A family is lost in the jungle and the man is saying: “O.K. I admit we’re lost, but the important thing is to remain focussed on whose fault it is.“

2.   Try to share chores.

Excellent idea. And think of the fun keeping score. Is emptying the dishwasher equivalent to shopping and cooking dinner?  Should we try a point system to allocate chores? What fun! And what a first-rate topic for heated “conversations” later.

Which brings up the hoary subject of how many people fit in a kitchen. I’ve done an exhaustive survey which is called life and here are my conclusions: Two gay guys and either one husband or wife is fine. One host or hostess plus  two dinner party guests (Gay or not) are too many. And no matter the size of the kitchen one husband and one wife is totally too crowded.

3.   Respect one another’s time.

Take for example if a certain individual, not naming names, is unable to leave a party without saying goodbye. To each and every person.  Twice. Because by the time that individual has said goodbye to everyone…well, so much time has elapse, he’d better go back and say goodbye again.

But good news for that particular dilemma, an advice column I read has an answer. You see, there are two different time types: Monochromatism and Polychromatism. In other words, notably English, do you treat time as precise (Mono) or is it flexible (Poly)? I’m filing Monochromatism and Polychromatism with all of the other made-up-isms.

4.   Never bring up mistakes from the past.

Well it’s impossible to bring up mistakes from the future, isn’t it? And who knows how unforgiveable they may turn out to be, So dealing with the past is what’s at hand for a satisfying “conversation.” Likely there is a whole list of past mistakes available. And don’t worry there will be plenty of time to cover new mistakes in future “conversations.”

5.   If you have to criticize, do it lovingly.

To be honest. I really don’t know how to get started on that one.

 Of course  there are other gems I’ve gleaned from my research, like: Never correct your spouse. Never question the intent of your significant other. If one of you wins an argument let it be your spouse. If you must complain, sugar-coat your complaint. Let’s just pause to take these in. And my personal favorite: Always come to the door to welcome your spouse with a hug. Darn it, I think I left my Poke Bonnet back in the 18^th Century.

On the other hand there are sensible titbits  too, like: Don’t throw plates. Never curse at one another, Never give your partner the silent treatment for more than a day. As if. How can you point out the error of their way if you can’t speak? Never eat your partners’ chocolate in the middle of the night. You know who you are! And lastly another of my favorites, always close the bathroom door, 

I guess over the years I’ve broken just about all of the rules. Maybe not the plates. But thinking about it, in the end I suspect there really is only one relationship rule. Keep a sense of humor. You’ll more than likely going to need it.

TURNING POINTS from Crowd-Writing

a book by Shelley Katz

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